A loving God
I didn't really need to be convinced of the existence of God. Rather, I needed to become convinced of the need for God in MY life. Lucky for me, my life has done a pretty good job of that so far.
When shit happens or I’m feeling that low-grade misery of “restless, irritable & discontent” that so easily & quickly can make my life unmanageable (drinking OR sober) I have to 1) get undisturbed and 2) ask for help.I was always told that when I am disturbed about something in my day - anything - that the first thing to do is get undisturbed - NOT to react! And for me the best way to do that is to ask for help. It's out of the book - step 10 / 11 directions on page 85 or something.
It helps when I can remember that the "common solution" to all my problems is God / application of spiritual principles and actions that put me on the path of seeking God, rather than seeking self. This really helps me to reduce the amount of drama that can so easily be created by reacting out of self.
Whether it’s picking a fight with my boyfriend because he’s not behaving EXACTLY how I think he should, or reacting to my ex husband’s extraordinarily sensitive ego, or responding to stress with a shopping spree that only creates more anxiety by depleting my bank account. Or the internal drama that comes from staying stuck in old ideas / beliefs about myself - the pain of not being honest with myself and not living with integrity, whether that means avoiding step work I know I should be doing, spending money on things I know I shouldn’t be spending it on, spending time on social media instead of devoting time to my creative pursuits. For me, that kind of internal unmanageability - which really comes from seeking “self” rather than my HP is at the core of my restlessness, irritability and discontent. The way out of that, for me, is through faith - seeking God in whatever I need to in that moment. And my resistance to that is based in fear.
“God could and would if he were sought.” That means we have to SEEK. I am VERY good at seeking. If I decide I need something I am SO GOOD at seeking that thing out and GETTING IT. We alcoholics are anything if not determined to get the things we seek. So what does it look like for me to seek God? For me to really hunt out the things within me that are blocking me from God? How do I put as much energy into THAT as I do into other things? Geez. That would be life changing, I think.
“The real problem [we] have is that we miss God a lot. But we don’t know that it’s. We just know we are restless, irritable, & discontent and we use our intellect and we are not going to see that we’re missing God, it’s just that money must be it. Something was always missing. I just don’t feel right. It was always there. So I’m struggling in the material world to fix that underlying problem.” - Sandy B.
… and the thing I have come to realize recently is that this Higher Power - MY conception of God - is totally loving, and only wants good and joy and love for me. That makes it a bit easier to rely on God - to take the “spiritual” action - because then I can have faith that whatever the outcome of THAT action will not be scary or result in me living on a mountain alone forever.