24 August 2014

thoughts on motherhood: week 7


After 7 weeks and 3 days I have this to offer: Motherhood is kind of insane. And by insane I mean that my heart has never felt so open, that I have never had to access this level of patience, that I have never appreciated a shower or a meal so much, that I could never have imagined loving anyone so unconditionally, that I have never felt such closeness to my husband, and that I have never realised the blessing of a healthy body or a good night's sleep.

But also that I have never felt such an intense urge to control so many things, that I have never before known the kind of overwhelming guttural panic that comes when Harper is crying and nothing will fix it, that my body is nothing like what I remember, and that the best thing I can do for myself and my family is to stay calm and full of love.

It's amazing the way that my priorities seem to have shifted overnight, and despite how huge a change it all is, how incredibly natural it feels. It feels like this is what I was made for - like everything else was preparing me and paving the way for her arrival - and even though it's sometimes a shock to remember that I can no longer get a coffee or a pedicure or go to yoga without a lot of preplanning, it's so worth it. It's worth the love for which there are not actually words, and the joy of looking into Harper's slate blue eyes and thinking to myself "We made you!," "I love you," and "For you, I can move mountains." 

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