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letters to our little one, part i.

4 weeks & 5 days

It was almost five days ago that I found out about you. Hard to believe. The time seems to be going by more slowly since we found out… Like I am already anxious to meet you! To know you! A few people know about you – it was really just too much to ask to keep you to ourselves. Plus we had asked most of our nearest and dearest to keep us in their prayers the day we went in for our first try at artificial insemination. And just like that, 12 days later, there you were. I keep replaying that conversation with the nursing sister in my head. I had said so many prayers, trying to prepare myself for her to tell me bad news. And then she said it. “Your hormone count is 60, so that’s positive.” Just like that. Like she was telling me it was going to rain or something like that. Not like she was telling me life-altering, too-good-to-be-true, amazing, marvelous, earth-shattering news. It’s like the world was in slow motion. All I could muster up was a shocked, “Oh my God.” But inside, my whole world changed.

She told us I’d have to come back for another blood test later that week, to make sure you were developing healthily and all, but when I asked her if there was any chance it could be a false positive she said “No, you’re definitely pregnant.” Wow! I was standing in the hallway at work on my cell phone and my world changed. I tried calling your dad about a million times and sent him two very urgent SMS’s that read something like this: PLEASE CALL ME BACK IT’S IMPORTANT. The picture of tranquility. I then called Christina (I’m sure she’ll end up being something of an aunty to you, so you should start getting familiar with that name) to tell her the good news, and that’s when the tears came. My eyes are actually welling up as I type this now. In an instant, the world changes. You are suddenly a reality – all my dreams come true  - there you are, a little tiny soul living and growing right inside me. It is like magic.

Anyway, back to the story. A few minutes later your dad called me back. I’m not sure he even knew I was going for the blood test that day, but when he heard, his mind was blown. Happy blown, that is. Honestly, I have never seen him so happy or so excited about anything since I’ve known him. He had to tell your grandparents immediately, and your Uncle Sandy & Aunt Gabi. It’s delightful to see him so excited to be your dad. He wanted to shout it in the streets the day he found out. He’s honored to have had a part in making you (as am I!) and we haven’t even met you yet! Your papa is already talking to you every day, saying hi in the morning and checking in again at night. We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves – it’s still such a fragile time – but the thought of you is really something. An incredibly exciting something!

Well, needless to say I went back for the second blood test on Thursday and they informed me that all is well, hormone levels look good, and they scheduled me for the 7 week scan on 11 November. I promise it’s going to feel like an eternity till then. I hear that is when we get to hear your heart beat for the first time! Can you believe that!? Like I said, pure magic.

Anyway little one, I am already so thrilled to be your mom. I am so excited to share this world with you, to bring you into it. I am away at a yoga retreat this weekend at a place called De Hoop Nature Reserve. It’s beautiful and quiet. Our first time away together. As I was driving in there were big buck and zebra, and I really cannot wait to someday tell you that in the first week I knew you, you got to see those big animals through my eyes! Don’t worry, I have pictures to show you to mark the occasion.

It’s a big responsibility to be your mom. The custodian of your tiny little body & soul. So much is happening every day. Apparently my digestion has slowed down, which explains the constant bloating, and my breasts are already significantly bigger in anticipation of you. Not much in the way of nausea yet, but there is some slight queasiness and certainly an increase in hunger! I find myself snacking throughout the day, and really wanting a nap in the afternoon. Oh, and weepy! I almost started sobbing today when I realized I left my camera at work, despite the fact that a friend had one for me to borrow and it was truly not a big deal. Ha! Luckily your dad did pick up his phone that time and assured me that it would be okay. Of course, he’s right, and so I kept driving and waited for the next bout of weepiness to set in, which is sure enough did, and not too long after either. Luckily that time it was for a better reason – excitement at being your mom!  

I have downloaded apps on my phone and read a few websites that tell me all about what is happening in your world every week. This week you are the size of an apple seed, and about a week from now, a sweet pea. And so much else is happening and growing and changing for you every day. It takes a lot of work to go from an apple seed to a beautiful little baby! So keep at it, little one. I’m here for you, I promise. I’m thinking about you, praying for you, singing to you, sending you love and good vibes, and walking through this world your mom already.

Until next time.

xx

Mama

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